This has just got too hard again. I just want to go away and forget it ever happened. I had a cry this evening. I lay down next to Millie whilst she was going to sleep and I started thinking about the next stage, the future. It feels so daunting and it is all so unfair. Why her? Why our beautiful daughter who has so much to give the world? I'm crying now just writing this. It isn't a big cry - I can't let myself go yet, it will be too painful and take too long. This cry is a small one that is helping to reduce the pressure of everything. But it still feels crap.
I was lying next to Millie thinking about coming home and the bedtime routine there and then thought about our eldest and how I would love to give her a hug and how it might still be difficult to give her the attention she deserves. We have no idea what we are coming back to. We don't know what Millie's after care is going to consist of. All I know is it is going to be hard work. And then we have the permanent worry of the tumour returning or her suffering with another side effect of the treatment. It is going to be a waiting game from one month to the next for the foreseeable future. And I am not sure I can live with it.
Dr Danny saw Millie today. Millie was a star and voluntarily sat still whilst he listened to her chest. She even asked him to play! He says she is doing really well. Her head will probably go more red over the next few days and she may suffer with some peeling but he doesn't think she will get any worse than that. Which is nice to hear. However, he did say that he would talk to us next week about Millie's aftercare plans. And that was probably the last straw today.
When you have Little Feet and it's a Long Walk, you take One Step At A Time.
Millie is such a trooper. And so are you! While I've never personally had to deal with a child with Cancer, I have had family members with cancer, and it's tough to watch someone go through.
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up, lady, and be strong. Millie is a lucky girl to have you as a Momma!